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What Type of Dependency Do You Have in Your Long-Term Relationships?

May 16, 20233 min read

There are 4 types of dependency: Dependent, Independent, Codependent, and Interdependent. And there are many different combinations of the 4 types that may have existed in your relationship. As you journey through your divorce recovery it’s important to understand what type of dependency you contributed to the relationship. The reason it’s important is because if you understand how you contributed to the balance of a past relationship, it will show how you may need to change to create a more healthy relationship in the future.

Let’s take a closer look at the 4 relationships:

Dependent – If you were dependent then that meant that you had no control over your own fate. You were probably afraid to make a decision for fear of upsetting your spouse. So much so, that when it came to making any decision you usually deferred to the “better judgment.” Your lack of self-confidence allowed your spouse to control almost everything that went on in every aspect of the relationship.

Independent – If you were independent in your relationship, your spouse was there as if you had a piece of furniture. You probably made all the decisions in the relationship without thinking or caring about how it would affect your spouse or even your entire family unit. You either consciously or unconsciously didn’t really care about your spouse’s feelings. As an independent, the world revolves around you and anyone who doesn’t get it is not part of your world.

Codependent – This is the most common and most damaging type of dependency in failed relationships. A large part of a codependent relationship goes to the fact that one spouse loves the other spouse much more. As I discuss in my book, “Recovering From Divorce,” in most happy relationships, there is a 50-50 division of love. If there is an imbalance of the division of love, when one spouse loves much more, they are usually so desperate to be loved that they will do anything to get their partner’s love and approval. The other spouse, consciously or unconsciously, understands that they control the relationship and can manipulate any situation to their desired outcome. Codependency builds upon the need for the one who loves more to do whatever is necessary to feel loved. It creates a vicious cycle of love and hate, up and down, and temporary happiness coupled with deep-seated sadness and loneliness.

Interdependent – An interdependent relationship, takes the best qualities of independence to the next level. Having the ability to be independent while understanding and more importantly caring about your partner’s feelings, gives you the ability to grow a relationship. Another part of it is understanding and happily accepting your partner’s ability and desire to have activities and friends that don’t necessarily include you and your partner feels the same way back towards you.

While it is possible to have happy relationships with any of the above types of dependency, it starts by understanding your role in your previous relationship and how it contributed to its failure. Once you reveal which type of dependency you have, you can then decide how well it may or may not serve you in future relationships. But imagine what it would be like if you could have a relationship based on mutual love and respect because you decided to enter into an interdependent type of life. Imagine both people in the relationship being able to acknowledge the needs of both parties while offering support and the freedom to express honestly for each person.

Have you been in a romantic relationship with dependencies, or did you have a family member or friend that these patterns were expressed with? Feel free to comment below with your experience regarding dependencies in relationships.


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Website Created by Nachat Consulting LLC